Jack and the Cheese man
by Little Miss Delliham
Summary: Walking, talking cheese people and Jack O'Neil, No.1 cheese lover.....
1. Default Chapter

Jack and the Cheese man.  
  
Disclaimer: Jack, Sam, Daniel, General Hammon, Dr. Fraiser, Teal'c and the SGC are not mine, however, Commander Tasty, the nurse, the nameless airmen, all of the Cheese-arians and their home world are.....Oh, and the hairy, moldy cheese in my fridge.  
  
A/N: Don't ask - just read.  
  
This is for my friend - Lady of Nimrodel . who is obsessed about mould and cheese and hairy, mouldy cheese...... Long live the Hobos  
  
One day Jack was wondering aimlessly around the SGC base when "BLERP, BLERP Unauthorised off-world activation", so off he ran to the control room.  
  
When he got there he could hear a voice "I am Commander Tasty. We ask if we can come peacefully to your world"  
  
"Open the iris" the fat General Hammon said and it was done. General Hammon, Sam, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c all walked down into the 'gate room.  
  
"SHEERROMP" the wormhole closed.  
  
"Greetings Commander Tasty" The General said holding out his hand  
  
"Greetings" Commander Tasty replied looking down at Hammons hand. (Now at this point I must describe Commander Tasty: he is tall, very tall and he is a triangular piece of yellow tasty cheese with blue arms and legs. He has no clothes, as cheese usually does not wear clothes, and has two small beady eyes and a small straight mouth.  
  
"um - Sir - The briefing room" Sam whispered in Hammons ear.  
  
" Er, yes, right this way" the General directed  
  
**** In the briefing room ****  
  
"So how can we help you?" was the first thing anyone said (who may as well be Hammon again)  
  
"We are just explorers who wish to study your world and culture" Tasty said  
  
"Bit like us" Daniel muttered not caring who was listening. Teal'c just sat there, one eyebrow raised, staring at Jack who was drooling.  
  
"Um, General, Can I talk to you for a minute?" Sam asked. Sam and Hammon stood up and moved to a corner, backs to everyone else.  
  
"I don't think it is wise to have Jack here - you know he is a No. 1 cheese fan and has been drooling ever since Tasty here came!"  
  
"Good point Major, we'll just ask him to leave." They turned around to see Teal'c still sitting there, mouth slightly open, Daniel asleep with his head on the table and Jack already half devoured Commander Tasty.  
  
"Mmmmmm, soooo cheesy...." Words came out from Jacks mouth along with little pieces of cheese,  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooo" Sam made a dive for the Colonel and knocked him from the Commander.  
  
"Take that cheese to the infirmary" Hammon said staring in amazement as some nameless airmen began to pick up the crumbs.  
  
**** Infirmary ****  
  
Dr. Fraiser was slaving over the dead (if that is possible...Well more like decapitated) cheese man.  
  
"Cheese chunk"  
  
"Check" some nurse said handing Fraiser some cheese,  
  
"WHAT???" Fraiser exclaimed "This is MOTSARELLA!!! This man is TASTY!!"  
  
"S...Sorry ma'am" The nurse said switching the cheese types. Just then General Hammon walked in,  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"ICE PACKS NOW! HES GOING OFF HERE!" Janet screamed at the poor nurse as she ran away "Not good sir - Jack?" she replied to Hammon  
  
"O'Neill is suffering from severe stomach pains and constipation"  
  
"Ice packs ma'am" the nurse returned  
  
"thank you" Janet said placing them at random on the lump of cheese and turned around to face a cabinet "This is a laxative it should help jack..."  
  
Commanders eyes fluttered opened and he sat up,  
  
"Must go home" he stuttered  
  
**** Gate room ****  
  
"Good Bye Commander Tasty" General said giving a small wave,  
  
"What ever, your planet is not to be trusted - Consider your self at war" and with that disappeared through the stargate.  
  
TBC 


	2. Attack of the clones

Jack and the Cheese man. Chapter 2: Attack of the clones  
  
Disclaimer: Jack, Sam, Daniel, General Hammon, Teal'c, Thor and the SGC are not mine, however, the Jack clones (although are not my idea originally), all of the Cheese-arians and their home world are.....Oh, and the hairy, moldy cheese in my fridge.  
  
A/N: Don't ask - just read.  
  
**** Daniel's quarters SGC base ****  
  
Daniel's pager went off, "can't anyone get any sleep around here!!!'' slowly he sat up and looked at his pager and read the message  
  
**** Hammons office ****  
  
"As you can see the Cheese-arians have lunched their attack and turned the moon to cheese" said Hammon  
  
"Mmmmmm, Moon cheese" Jack said - He had been chained to one of those office chairs with wheels on them to prevent him from doing any more harm but still able him to move.  
  
"And they are threatening to turn the earth to cheese as well" he (Hammon) continued  
  
"That's terrible! We would go off because of the suns heat!" Sam gasped  
  
"At least I could get some sleep" Daniel said a he hit the ground. Dead. (as in fast asleep)  
  
"Indeed" Teal'c said as he joined Daniel on the floor (No this is not slash the just both fell asleep of the floor OK!)  
  
"Yes that is right" Hammon said taking no notice of the two members asleep (and only asleep) on the floor "that's why I need you to contact Thor......I have a plan."  
  
**** Gate room ****  
  
Jack (still on the chair) "you have to be joking right? Why me?"  
  
"well sir, you started it you may as well finish it" Sam explained seconds before they were 'beamed' up to Thors ship  
  
**** Thors ship ****  
  
"Thank you for assisting us Thor" Sam said (these people say a lot of things don't they)  
  
"It is our pleasure Major Cater - But why would you want to do such a thing?"  
  
"WHY ME???" Jack whined  
  
"Desperate I suppose" Sam replied the shot Jack with a zat.  
  
**** Some time later in where ever they keep the space ships i.e. the X302 etc ****  
  
"Now go forth and conquer!" Hammon commanded  
  
"yeah, right" a synchronised whine came from the many in the hanger.  
  
**** On the Cheese Mothership ****  
  
Military Cheese-man "Is it a pack of giant space ants?, its it our reinforcements? # Gasp # NO, Its, Its, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Its an army of juvenile O'Neills!!!!!"  
  
Cheese-man soldier "Man the guns.FIRE"  
  
**** The JO (juvenile O'neill) army (who are in space worthy vehicles) ****  
  
" The ants go marching 10 by 10, something, something.......And they all go marching down to the ground to get..."  
  
Sam over the radio communication system "# Crackle # Get out of the way!!!!"  
  
" No Sam its to get out of the RAIN, not WAY" then all the JO's looked up "Oh".  
  
They all break formation as they doge enemy fire, then, more synchronised speech "Mmmmmm, Cheese, CHARGE"  
  
Most of the Jack make it to the mothership and penetrate its defences. Once inside it's a feeding frenzy. One Jack gets shot with a cheese gun which turns himm to cheese. The others turn and enclose on the cheese Jack..  
  
**** Back at the SGC ****  
  
Sam (winces) "Eww, cannibalism" glances at original Jack.  
  
"What?"  
  
**** Cheese mothership ****  
  
Lots of fat O'neills sitting around. One Jack "BUUURRP"  
  
**** SGC somewhere ****  
  
Hammon "Congratulations" He hugs Sam and Jack (who is still chained to the chair) "But now we must wipe them from existence to ensure our survival"  
  
"We're going to distroy their homeworld?" Sam questioned  
  
"No, you are" Hammon corrected her.  
  
TBC 


	3. Hairy moldy cheese

Jack and the Cheese man. Chapter 3: Hairy Moldy Cheese  
  
Disclaimer: Jack, Sam, Daniel, General Hammond, Teal'c, Jannet and the SGC are not mine, however, the doomed cheese-man, the unknown voice and all of the Cheese-arians and their home world are.....Oh, and the hairy, moldy cheese in my fridge.  
  
A/N: soz this took so long I was on holidays, oh and you might have notice that I've spelt "Hammond" - Hammon..... My computer was auto-correcting it!!!! I'll change it one day, maybe.  
  
**** 5hrs later outside Sams lab ****  
  
"WEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"  
  
"SIR!, stop rolling up and down that corridor!!!" Sam yelled from inside her lab  
  
"-eeeeeeeeeee..why?" Jack stoped infront of her,  
  
"Because #sigh# I'm trying to save the world and your distracting me"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it is really hard to concentrate with the noise you making"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Sir, can you just grow up and act your age"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because if you don't I'll call security"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I need to work"  
  
"Why?"  
  
She stormed over to the door and slammed it, then called security.  
  
Jack (outside the door) "you wouldn't.....Would you?.....Carter?...Hey get your filthy mitts off me....Carter....help meeeeeeeeeee"  
  
**** Briefing room some time later ****  
  
"As you can see it's an extremely contagious and effective biological weapon" Sam stated to General Hammond (he being the only one around as the wheels on jacks chair had been taken off so he couldn't move[and no-one was about to move him..they just didn't care] and Daniel & Teal'c were still asleep in Hammonds office.) who was just nodding slowly  
  
**** At some missile base ****  
  
"Well the warhead is loaded with our most powerful weapon that will defiantly destroy the cheese-people" said Sam, not sure of what she was about to do,  
  
"Fire at will" General Hammond commanded with a nod,  
  
**** In the distance ****  
  
Will "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" BOOOM  
  
**** Back at some missile base ****  
  
"Um, General..don't you mean fire at the Cheese-arians?" Sam questioned  
  
"Yes, right, them too." - Hammond  
  
**** On Cheese home world ****  
  
Little cheese boy "Mummy, mummy, look" (points to sky)  
  
Mummy cheese "What is that?" (there is a bright white light on the cheese home world . . . . . . . . . . . .)  
  
**** 6 days later down a corridor at the SGC ****  
  
Jack (now released from the chair) "sooo Carter, you never told us how you defeated the cheese people!!" (stepping ever so closer)  
  
"Yeah, tell us the big ol' secret weapon" Daniel said so fast everyone (including the nurse from Chp 1) stoped a stared.  
  
# Odd slow churning noise as peoples brains try to compute what Daniel just said #  
  
Teal'c (slight shrug) "Indeed Major Carter - you have a story to tell"  
  
A slow grin spread across Sams face "If you bunch of guys buy me dinner, I'm always having to buy you guys lunch and stuff"  
  
"Yes, yes, yes, yes . . . . .STORY" - Daniel  
  
"Well, ok," Sam gave in " It was quite simple really, all I had to do was find a compatible, opposite if you like, creature that was known to eat / destroy the dairy by-product that threatened this earth which reminded me of you refrigerator in your off-.."  
  
"Carter" Jack said making a cutting action across his throat  
  
"-ice...um. We sent them a mold bomb sir." She turned way and walked away from the dumb-struck boys grinning widly.  
  
"What kind of story was that?" Daniel asked  
  
**** On the now moldy cheese planet ****  
  
Anonymous cheese-arian "we're molding. . . . . . . . . .. . ."  
  
TBC 


End file.
